Wow! What?!

Today I found out that I am pregnant again. It was a shock not because we weren't trying (we were), but because I was so sure I was getting my period. I have been charting using several methods one of which is basal body temperature. My temperatures have been running on the low side. In the 96's and low 97's. I had even tested three days ago on Friday. It was negative then. I suppose it was just too early yet to pick up the HCG hormone. Well, I had one last pregnancy test left and I just had the urge to use it this morning first thing and sure enough two lines! It was a faint line and I thought I was seeing things at first but as the seconds went on it was a distinct pink line. I took it out to Michael because I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. Truthfully I wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy because this is something that I want so badly. I think before I make it to the doctor I am going to retake the test like ten times!! It just hasn't sunk in yet. I am a bit worried though. I have been having some mild spotting. From everything I have researched it seems to be perfectly normal especially since it is the time I would be having my period. We have decided not to tell anyone until I am at least 13 weeks along. Michael would prefer to wait until I am showing (it takes a while for me to show) but I don't think it would be right to spring a pregnancy on my family at like 25 or 26 weeks. All I can do right now is just pray that God keeps me and this baby safe and healthy. Please God let it stick! Oh, I am due around February 1st of next year and am about 4 weeks along. On a funny side note, on this very day in 2004, we found out we were pregnant with Abigail! I hope that makes for a good omen. :-)

I have never put down on paper the events of Gabriella's memorial service. I suppose I should do that now while it is still fresh. The funeral home we used has the most amazing director. He did everything free of charge and only charged us cost on her little casket. We decided to go only with a grave side service. I didn't want the complications of a church service and then on to the graveside. At first I was reluctant to invite anyone else. I just wanted it to be super small but I relented. Afterwards I was so glad that I did. It was nice to have mine and Michael's family there. The service began with my Dad welcoming everyone and playing a song Michael had chosen from him to Ella. It was Michael W. Smith's "Hello, Goodbye." You have to forgive me because I was a little out of it but both my Dad said some words and our former Pastor Phillip Howe. I just don't remember which order they went in. I believe my Dad was first. The last thing was my Dad introducing the song from me to Ella. "I Will Carry You" by Selah. This is when we all placed long stem roses on her casket. Everyone said it was a beautiful service. Afterwards we all went to eat at Golden Corral. That is all I suppose. I just miss her so much.

No Answers

Yesterday was my first visit back to my OB since Ella passed. I was expecting to get my blood test results back but not the autopsy results. I was told the autopsy results would take 6 weeks. I was surprised to discover that all of the results were in including the autopsy. All tests were NORMAL! I was normal. Ella was normal. We have no answers and will probably never have any answers. So, needless to say, yesterday was difficult. I found myself becoming very angry. I am having a hard time accepting that my baby was taken away and there was no good reason for it. I am tired of people telling me that "everything happens for a reason". I just don't want to hear that right now.

Introductions

If you read the "About me" portion of my blog you know my name and a little about me. I will try to clear some things up with this post. I never thought that I would be here or blogging at all on the computer. I like to read other people's blogs but I never thought I would have a real need to do this myself. I do want to make it clear that I am not blogging for the sake of other people. I am not doing this to even get my story out there. I am simply doing this because I need an outlet right now for what I am going through. My story begins on the evening of January 6th of this year. I was 23 weeks pregnant with a little girl. We had decided to name her Gabriella Nicole. That evening was a Wednesday and I had been to my parents church. After that, I came home and soon went to bed. I realized that I could not really remember feeling the baby move that day. I decided to try and lay there and concentrate on feeling her. I fell asleep before I felt anything. As soon as I got up the next morning it was on my mind. It was 6:30am so I couldn't call my doctor yet, and besides, I thought maybe I was just being paranoid. I only felt her move once and a while during the day anyway because of being only 23 weeks. I decided to do a few tricks I researched on the internet. I drank something sweet and cold and laid on my back and side. It didn't work so I tried a shower, still nothing. Lastly I tried eating and still nothing. I told my husband my concern when he got home from work. He told me to call the doctor. I did and had to leave a message for the OB nurse. I finally received a call back at around 11:30am. They wanted me to come in for monitoring and an ultrasound. I woke Michael up and we headed that way with my daughter Abbie and a baby girl that I take care of. I was so nervous and prayed all the way to the doctor. When I got there, Michael stayed in the waiting room with Abbie and the baby. I went alone to the ultrasound. She turned it on and immediately said "the spine is up and I am having a hard time finding the heart." I knew what that meant. I could see it for myself on the screen. She went on to say, "Da##it Angela, I can't find the heart." The only thing I heard after that was the silence when she played the sound from the ultrasound trying to hear something. There was nothing, no beating, just static. That will haunt me forever. My doctor came in soon after that along with Michael. She had to explain to me what the next steps were. She asked if I wanted a c-section or vaginal birth. I chose not to have a c-section due to the recovery period. I had to hold the baby while Michael went and made phone calls. My doctor was distressed that I had to do that at a time like this. I didn't cry, I was in too much shock. I was just going through the motions. We finally left and headed for the hospital. We stopped first to get Abbie some lunch and to buy some time while people were heading to pick up the baby and Abbie. Once at the hospital, I was registered and hooked up in my room. They couldn't give me pitocin because of my past c-section so they administered a cream to get things going. They started that at 5:30pm. I soon had visitors in my room. My pastor Philip, my parents, kids, and brother and sister-in-law all came and stayed a few hours. They left around 8:30pm or so. I was then left to myself because Michael had fallen asleep. It wasn't his fault, he had worked the night before and hadn't slept much yet. The contractions started getting very painful around 1:00am. I got an epidural at about 2:00am. At just after 3:00am, I started to feel a lot of pressure. I knew she was coming then. I told Michael to get the nurse. She put her gloves on and pulled back the covers. She told me quietly that I was delilvering. She said I could push if it felt better. I pushed twice and she was born. She said that if I didn't want to see her I could close my eyes. I did. I was so afraid to see her. Michael watched her birth and watched as they cleaned her up. They asked if he wanted to hold her and he did. He came to my side and asked if I wanted to see her. I told him I just couldn't yet. I was afraid of what I would see and what it would do to me for the rest of my life. I asked him how she looked. He said, "she's beautiful." I knew that I would never forgive myself if I didn't look at her. I did and she was beautiful and perfect. Such a tiny little angel. I just sat and stared at her for a while. I couldn't yet let myself hold her. The wonderful nurse soon took her and they did pictures and foot prints for us. She came back in and asked if we wanted any more time with her before they took her away. I knew from other peoples experience that I needed to hold her while I had the chance. They brought her to me and I held her. She was still warm, I touched her face and she was so soft. We both took pictures holding her. It was too soon time to let her go. The nurse came and took her and covered her with a blanket. I will never forget that moment. The doctors don't know yet what went wrong. I had done everything my doctors had told me to. I had seen a highrisk OB and even had a highrisk ultrasound done. Everything always came back normal. When Ella came out she looked completely normal. She was growing and developing perfectly for a baby of her age. I am having a hard time understanding all of this right now. I just have to trust that God had a good reason to take my baby to Heaven to be with Him instead of letting her stay with me. I have to hold to His promises or I will lose my way in this grief.